My Descent Into Hell

Isaiah Chapter 59:- They hatch cockatrice' eggs.

I was under the impression that a cockatrice is hatched from a cock’s egg, I tried to purchase some from my local supermarkets, to no avail. Can you tell me where they can be purchased, and advise where I can buy food now that I am banned from my local supermarkets?

Exodus 16:4:- Then said the Lord unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you.

Is there any possibility that you could intervene with the Lord and ask for the raining of the odd cookie or bun on me? I am getting awfully hungry now that I have been declared a danger to society and not allowed into any of my local shops.

Isaiah 36:12:- That they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss.

In the absence of the promised raining of food and suffering from the terrible pangs of hunger I sampled the above menu as suggested by the Lord. Could you suggest a good remedy to relieve acute vomiting, nausea, diarrhea and stomach cramps?

4 Kings 2:23-24:- And he (Elijah ) went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

Another side effect of my current diet is that all my hair has fallen out, and as a result the local homies ridicule me endlessly, I did try luring them to the woods to be devoured by bears but failing in that and being a God-fearing, gun-toting American, I took 40 of them out with my Uzi. For some reason this seems to have aggravated the local Police, and excited Sky News, despite my clear explanation that this was the Lords punishment for mockery of baldness. I now find myself homeless and on the run.

Acts Chapter 5:- The judgment of God upon Ananias and Saphira, killed by the Lord because they would not sell all they possessed and give it to the Priests.

I have been kindly taken and sheltered by some God fearing pilgrims who live under a bridge, and all they want in return is that I give them all I possess, they say God will be angry if I don’t. I have no problem with this as it sounds pretty logical, but I can’t understand what God wants with an old Ford, a tin watch, an empty Uzi, and some old clothes.

Deuteronomy 23:1:- No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Having decided to hang on to my tin watch, (It was a gift from the National Rifle Association, signed by God, I mean Charlton Heston. I suffered a severe beating from the kindly God fearing people, which was understandable as I did not give them everything I had, and in the course of the beating suffering crushed testicles, resulting in the surgical removal of my damaged organ.

I have only three questions,

1. being on the verge of death, how am I going to overcome that ban

2. how do I pay the surgeon now that I am destitute

3. where the hell am I going to get those damned cockatrice' eggs that started this whole thing off in the first place

by Bob600 of AvC

Source: My Descent Into Hell, AvC thread