Saint Onan's Prayer for Brock
Your Holy Ineffableness,
I know it's been an age since we chatted, and I wouldn't want you to be under the impression I was seeking to renew our relationship on any kind of permanent basis.
The fact is, things have been just peachy since I ditched you, and there's no way you're getting those Sundays back. They're mine now.
But God, the reason I'm calling is that some of your camp followers down here on Earth have been spreading the rumour that you're back in the imprecatory prayer market. If so, this is just too good an opportunity to pass up.
Lord, please SMITE the caterpillar known as Brock Organ for me. Smite him with intelligence, so that he will know what a retard he has been.
Smite him with a sense of honesty, so that his heart will recoil in horror from its own darkness. Smite him with an open mind, so that he shall weep for the prior confinement of his soul.
And when Thou has completed this most holy and horrific smiting, Lord, please finish the job by smiting the Borgan with a rectal probe the size of a telegraph pole.
Do all that and I'll consider going to church again. Once a year at Christmas.